


it would be easier if i didnt love you (but love you, i forever will)

by remuscgl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, Forehead Touching, Kissing, M/M, Marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25341784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remuscgl/pseuds/remuscgl
Summary: Both of them knew that the war would take a toll on them. When you’ve lost count of the funerals you’ve attended and the names you recognize in the obituary at the age of 20, that seemed like a given. But neither of them was prepared for the strain it would put on what they had - on this thing that had once felt so exhilarating and vibrant and untouchable.orRemus and Sirius dont 100% trust each other anymore but they're still so in love with each other it hurts
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	it would be easier if i didnt love you (but love you, i forever will)

**Author's Note:**

> also found [here.](https://bisexualremus.tumblr.com/post/623915969129119744/how-about-43-and-wolfstar) it was an ask with the dialogue prompt "are you drunk?" the anon asked for wolfstar and it was sad hours so this happened

“My love,” Sirius cooed as he settled himself on the couch, stretching and sprawling out on Remus’ lap. 

Remus recoiled slightly. Partly to make sure Sirius couldn’t knock over the mug of hot chocolate he was holding. And partly because he hadn’t heard Sirius come in. But, if he was being honest with himself, it was mostly due to the fact that Sirius hasn’t touched him the past few days.

He settled his drink on the end table before slowly reaching down to touch Sirius’ hair. Dark and long and still impossibly neat even at his state. Remus let his fingers run through the silky locks for the first time in a while as Sirius beamed at him in a daze from his lap. 

Both of them knew that the war would take a toll on them. When you’ve lost count of the funerals you’ve attended and the names you recognize in the obituary at the age of 20, that seemed like a given. But neither of them was prepared for the strain it would put on what they had - on this thing that had once felt so exhilarating and vibrant and _untouchable._

It didn’t happen all at once. It was like the war - slow but sure, gradually creeping into their lives until it had become a permanent dull ache and an exhausting air of suspicion they felt each time they were alone in a room together. 

Remus should have seen it coming. Dumbledore was sending him off on missions almost every month, always ending the brief on the same reminder: _Do not tell anyone_ , Dumbledore would say. _No, Remus, not even him._ Sirius was probably told the same thing.

They still fucked. And had meals together. And slept in the same bad. There would be even the occasional fleeting moments of tenderness from time to time - a shared laugh, an unexpected hug from behind, stories of their teenage years whispered fondly before they sleep. But, even then, it would end too quickly, like a spell suddenly lifted.

This was one of those moments, Remus figured. 

Sirius hummed contentedly and closed his eyes as Remus started to scratch lightly at his scalp. “Like it when you do that.”

Remus chuckled. “I know.”

Opening his eyes, Sirius sat up to face Remus. As he leaned into the hand that was still grazing against his hair, he held his boyfriend’s face so gently that Remus felt like crying. “I miss you.”

They had seen each other this morning, and both of them had been home for the past few weeks. Still, Remus knew what he meant. “Missed you too, Sirius.”

The smile on Sirius’ face faltered a little as he let his thumb trace Remus’ cheekbone. “So much. _So much._ You know that, right?”

Remus nodded, the slight crack in Sirius’ voice making his heart hurt. “I know, love.”

“I wish I could tell you everything,” Sirius mumbled, the desperation lacing every word he managed. “Maybe... Maybe I just should.”

Sighing, Remus shook his head before asking a question he already knew the answer to. “Are you drunk?”

“Maybe. Just a bit tipsy, if anything. James said I could finish the bottle so blame _him,_ Moony _._ ”

Remus laughed a little before continuing to play with Sirius' hair. “I want to tell you everything too. But you know we can’t. Everyone’s safer this way.” 

“I know, I know. I just... I want to go back to…” he trailed off. 

_To when we trusted each other_ , Remus knew he was going to say. But it was implied. 

“You and I both.”

Remus leaned in just a little, and Sirius mirrored him. Their foreheads were touching, and for a few moments, it was silence except for their breathing.

“For what it’s worth,” Sirius started. “There’s still one thing I’m sure about. When it comes to us.”

He didn’t need to ask what Sirius meant. Remus just placed a hand on Sirius’ chest, over his heart. “Me too.”

Sirius curled his fingers underneath Remus’ chin, tilting his face up before kissing him.

Remus leaned into the kiss, his heart aching and racing and feeling _too much._

As he wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck and swung a leg over his lap to straddle him, he wondered whether all of this would be easier if they didn’t still love each other _this_ much and _this_ certainly. But he quickly dismissed the thought. Having one sure thing they could both trust to be true was worth it. 

  
  



End file.
